Chapter Seventeen; Midnight Madness

And now. We have the conversation we both knew was coming.

Nick outlines all his reasons for feeling hesitant. All the while he underscores how perfect I am, and that it’s not me.

It’s him. He says.

It’s him.

And even though hearing this bitter truth is more than mildly unpleasant, I just listen. He needs to step back. He started too fast. It’s just too much. Can we just slow down?

I ask for a definition of slow down.

He doesn’t really have one.

Mmmm, hmmm.

I say.

And then reluctantly I tell him yes. I can do that. I can slow down.

Of course I can. I would do anything for Nick. For my charming prince on a Harley who makes me laugh, tells me stories, and makes me feel so safe. Who misses his grandpa, whose adventures inspire me, who wants what I want. My heroic guy with the blue eyes and the smile that stole my sanity.

He is amazing. And wonderful.

Of course I will slow down.

Of course.

When we hang up, I go to bed, roll onto my side and pull a thick blanket of ambiguity up to my chin, my head cushioned on a pillow of doubt.

Sleep is elusive. A hazy haunted future keeps me awake.

Scenarios of what this new phase is going to look like twist around on the dance floor of my imagination. Every time I try to go to sleep, a picture of what Nick has asked of me slips onto that shiny surface, twirling and taunting me with what is to come.

And I feel sick.

Can I do that? Can I halt this? Am I capable of transforming forceful forward momentum into suspended slow motion?

Perhaps.

But.

I falter. The truth trips my optimism. It’s a crack in a perfect compassionate plan so wide that I lose my balance momentarily. When I struggle to regain my compose I look back at that crack. It’s more like a crater.

And see it for the reality that it is.

I don’t want to slow down. I don’t want to go in reverse. It feels unnatural.

There’s no pause button in life, is there?

That’s why I can’t sleep. Because the truth is:

I said I can do it.

But I can’t.

My internal admission releases the anger I’d hidden beneath understanding. I let it wash over me in a torrid of realizations all beginning with one word: Why? Why come into my life with such force and sincerity if it is unsustainable? Why establish such intense momentum only to suspend it? Why ask me to go with you on this senseless journey if you didn’t feel it with every molecule of your being?

I don’t understand.

I just don’t understand.

I lay in my slumber less existence for what seems like centuries. But I don’t cry. I just lay there collapsed in a bed of confusion blanketed with questions.

Finally, at 1:00am. The writer in me does the only things she knows how to do when life twists into knots.

Untie it.

With words.

I write Nick a two page email that I have no intention of sending. I simply need to rip these thoughts and feelings out of me and lay them out where I can see them.

Outlining with meticulous compassion how I am so desperately trying to understand him and respect his position but that it is tearing me into shreds projecting what he is asking of me. The irrational accelerated pace he established, and I agreed to, is the backdrop of our story. And I am not sure how else to be.

With him.

I explain my fear of what may happen. I will quickly transform from independent confident woman into insecure needy girl.

Trying to win a part I thought I’d already landed

I can’t do that. Well, I can.

But I won’t.

I will not be that girl.

“Why didn’t he text me today? Is he going to call me tonight? What does this mean? What does that mean?”

I will not do that.

Don’t ask me to do that. Don’t pull me along in this game where you are making up all the rules.

I have a say. And I am digging in my heels. That stubborn kid inside of me is saying no.

No.

I hate ultimatums but I feel that this is so terribly unfair. For crying in the beer, I can’t slide down a two story fire station pole. I certainly will not board a roller coaster, one that is threatening to careen of the tracks if I don’t smile politely all the while it does.

And then I just say it. I write the words that were keeping me up, the words that kept boiling away the water of uncertainty until only the grains of truth were left, bare and exposed.

Either we continue as is and just see where it goes . . . or . . .

. . . we call it off.

Same.

Or over.

You choose.

I tell him.

You choose.

I reread the words on the screen over and over. I print them out. I read them again ten more times at least. And each time I do I am more affirmed that yes, this is it. This letter is my thoughts. This letter is my feelings.

This letter.

Is truth.

I wasn’t going to send this when I’d sat down at my keyboard in my sweatpants and ponytail in the middle of the night. Nothing yells “crazy” louder than a post midnight email.

But I know that the dawn is not going to alter one syllable.

So at 2:30AM I quit hitting a wall. And instead hit the button that will prompt the answer I need.

Send.

***********************************
Dating Land will be hitting the airwaves tonight, Wednesday, October 21st, at 9:00pm on KFGO, the Mighty 790.(I know, this chapters says Thursday, October 22nd but I postdated the post . . . I love Back to the Future but I really don't own a Delorean or Flux Capacitor!)

If you'd like to listen online, the link is in the sidebar.

Thank you for reading . . . I don't think the story of Nick and I is all that different from many other people's experiences, but the universality of the human condition is what unites us all. Love, even when it's fleeting, makes the world go round . . . at least that's what I hear. Please stay tuned and check back next week for an announcement, I am considering publishing three chapters next week. This part of the story has been hard for me to relive and I honestly am having a hard time writing it. I just want to move on . . . yet I want to honor the experience as well, for I feel very strongly that even difficult things can be made positive if we let them. God can take even the saddest experience and make it into something wonderful. I want this blog to be that something wonderful. This experience was a profound one for me and I am humbled you are letting me share it with you.
God bless . . .
Audra