The "Hot Date" Test

“Hey, how was lunch with that guy the other day?” Naomi is forever inquisitive of any and all interaction I have with the opposite sex. I can’t believe she didn’t interrogate me after my trip to the dentist last week, after all, he’s a male. (Albeit 62 and married, but still.) Perhaps her “I have a boyfriend existence” must be getting mundane since she’s endlessly searching for dramatic developments in my spinster/cat lady land life.

“That was lunch. He’s just a friend, why?”

“What makes you say he’s just a friend? How do you know he’s just a friend?” She narrows her eyes and I start wondering if she’s going to grab a spotlight out of her purse and begin a full on interrogation.

I briefly consider asking to call my attorney. “What has gotten into you? You have more tenacity lately than Tiger Woods in a brothel.”

“Well? Like I said, how do you know?”

This woman does not give up.

I grunt at her, cock my eyebrow upwards and announce, “I didn’t buy a new shirt. That. Is how I know.”

She collapses in laughter, surrendering to illogical logic.

Inside joke explained: I have this very very odd habitual pattern of running straight to the mall and buying a new shirt when I have a date with someone I really like. In fact, if it’s winter I’ve even been known to buy a new coat.

Twice.

In fact, Naomi likes to use my odd garment gathering as a barometer for just how of hot a date we're talking about here. “You like him? Alright, so how much was the shirt?”

In one case last year an ex-boyfriend of mine who I’d secretly pined for for months asked me to help him write his resume. Of course, I wanted to believe this was confusing boy code for “I can’t live without you, I want you back.” We agreed to meet for coffee to go over his career logistics but not before I went to the mall and bought the cutest damn shirt I could find.

(Naomi didn’t approve, she thought my history with him didn’t warrant the investment. Advised me to keep the receipt.)

I thought it was a wonderful wardrobe decision for what I was sure was to be the first step in an obvious reunion.

Yeah, not so much. Turns out he really was just a fan of my writing abilities. Because twenty minutes into our meeting I had to sit there in my cute new shirt and listen to him tell me all about his cute new girlfriend.

What a waste of my Wet Seal wandering.

(I did keep the shirt though. It really was cute.)

So, here I am. No boyfriend in sight but with a closet full of adorable tops, blouses and sweaters. Maybe I have enough of a collection now that I can break this bad habit, I have plenty of options now, right?

Oh hey, wait a second. I just got a text from Brad Pitt. What the? He’s finally leaving Angelina for moi? He’ll be here in four hours?

Hold on, I have to call Naomi . . .

Okay, Dating Land fans. I gotta run. She’s going to be here in five minutes.

We’re going to the mall.

Because there's a new shirt out there with my name on it.

Mrs. Audra Pitt